Friendship

Friendship is elusive,
nothing is ever conclusive
we cry together, we share a snack
you laugh at my jokes, we go way back

Is all I thought I needed to define friends
but world has not left this untouched
stung with shallowness, mired in superficial
it has sucked the life out of friendship
now it defines nothing crucial

Turns out I was wrong all along
there was no happy nor joy, no bonding nor silly songs
There was no sharing secrets nor revealing crushes
no fighting and fall outs, no phone conversation or heady rushes

The fun stories are stale now, laughs are few
Why oh why, ever up we grew

Not a fairy tale

How life is not a fairly tale

How it will throw stones and bricks at you

And make you feel gross and stale

How it will assure you falsely

And lick up your wounds wisely

But snigger at your every woe

And push your further into the well of sorrow

How life will tell you the world is at your feet

But it’s you who is at it’s feet

At it’s mercy

Making you wonder

If you and your hopes will ever meet

How it will open doors to your darkest fear

Fear, you didn’t know existed

Loneliness will bite

Mind going crazy

You will lose sense of what’s wrong and what isn’t right

At your lowest, life will tell you

Alas I go on and so should you

And so the circus will continue

The brand new bride

I am technically not 'brand new' but the definition of relativity places me safely in the category. Bride- I am! At least in my heart. I still have to get over the hangover of getting married, of meeting friends whom I haven't seen in months/ years, those who took time off work to celebrate with us, family get-togethers and going through the best shots to put an album together.

Days before my wedding, I went through some excellently written blogs. Obviously they were wedding related. It is overwhelming how well people write and how there is hardly any matter left which haven't been explored. Right from which MUA to which designer to which hair dresser had been zeroed in, complete with  the address and phone numbers. My excitement looked drab in front of this earnest dedication to everything 'bridal'. I will be honest here and say I was completely intimidated by the frenzy surrounding me. Was my excitement enough? Is my enthusiasm upto mark? I would hear of friends/ batchmates travelling length and breadth of the country just to get that right lehenga, the right nathni, the right colour for the dupatta, that profiles were being sent for Band Baaja Brides' and pre- wedding trips with in laws were being planned. I got the usual calls from friends and family (his and mine) on how the 'shopping' was going. I had already bought the wedding day saree. My briskness seemed like a crime. But how, where, from where! Saree, no lehenga? Oh! Bong!! and the blouse design?
The period of paranoia was far from over. I would read interview of to be brides, envy my friends who thought this was no age to get married, and had regular bouts of running away. I had to make up shopping lists and create wedding idea folders on my desktop to prove to my colleagues - yes! I am getting married.

I tried 'talking' to my then to be husband. Needless to say he just wouldn't understand the 'problem'. "But don't you love all the attention and shopping discussions?" That would just make matters worse. I feared I was losing my head and had to take constant assurances from him that he still intends to tie the knot with me.
Coupled with the above was the chronic problem of my appearance. The first time I broke my wedding news to one of my friend, she after a while of dilly-dallying asked me when do I start working out. The issue had been nagging me and now it was out in the open. My friend told me stories of how her already scrawny sister had to join a gym, because the camera adds 10kilos to you. My healthy build would mean utter disaster. So, I decided to take the bull by the horns, invested in a 6 months membership in a gym. The first month went smoothly, till the new instructor joined. The short stocky man was an absolute devil. It felt like it was his life's mission to help me on the path to a fitter and leaner figure. I smiled and bore with him as much as my sensibilities allow. One day he made a small effort to be friendly by asking If I am from Calcutta, I nodded and he mentioned how my t-shirt the day before - WHAT I LOVE ABOUT CAL? revealed it all. That did it. I can't explain why but I snapped. Rather my will to go back again did. I could no longer be taking fitness lessons from someone who had to use my t shirt as a conversation starter. Back of my head (a more sensible area of my brain) knew these were mere excuses from going back to the dreaded place called the gymnasium. Another month of guilt pangs and constant jibes from friends, and that chapter was closed. It left me with the learning of how successful opening a fitness center would be - the perfect biz model.

The wedding prep saga continued. I decided one thing within my power is my diet intake (I couldn't be more wrong). The deal with food is you are fine till no special occasion is around the corner. The moment your brain signals your tummy that there is your day is coming soon, you are doomed - donuts will scream out to you for attention, parathas will dance in front of your eyes, rice and rajma will make your day, banana milk shakes will make you drool and beer will be your new best friend.
In such circumstances was the poor me. Fighting yum food was a battle which I was losing swiftly. The days when I gave in (most days) I had sleepless nights with nightmares which constituted of blouse alterations. The most difficult factor to fight off in this dept was my very own mother. She would ladle my plate with food fit for an entire family. She would tell me how she wanted to make up for the time I stayed in hostels but the fact that she would take it in the literal sense, shook me. Did she actually think that I could be fed 7 years worth of home cooked meals? God only knows! My frustration with food reached a point where I desperately wanted to be married off to put an end to this madness.

How I wished I could pour my heart out to someone. Though I had friends and family excited to get a detailed description of my pre marriage jitters. but what surprised me was everyone who was unmarried had their set of jitters already in mind. If I didnt conform to them, then It wasnt correct. Leave correct, nobody is even interested to know what my concerns were. The only people who understood were the already married parties and the already married, i believe are a sadist lot. They would assure you getting married is the way to go and sit back and smirk as they see you walk down the same path, which ultimately leads to dirty nappies, jealous wives, ungrateful kids and Tulsi Virani soaps.

As I walked down a lonely path to the d-day, it was Amitabh Bachhan and Rabindranath Tagore who were playing on my mind. The concoction made out of Ekla cholo re and Muqqadar ka sikandar gave me a lot of peace and strength in my last few days. And why not? why should i not look for solace before I go head on into building a home and setting up base in sasural. Why are all men the supposed victims. Why are all the jokes on how men will be sacrificed on the alter of love and commitment. Ask anyone in this great nation of ours, there is always a 10 men to 1 woman ratio when it comes to the law of flirting. So, technically it is the ladies who are giving up some serious fun and a lot of attention from different quarters.

So post pheras as I sat there looking into the fire, lusting after paneer tikka and blueberry cheescake, it suddenly dawned on me how its the last day of my battle with food, wedding folders and blouse designs. Sensible me knows there are bigger battles to be fought, but I feel elated with the minute ones that I just overcame. With a smug smile and a sharp nod at my friend with the hipster, i feel warmth trickling down inside as my heart lightens up like its my wedding night

the journey backwards

today after years of looking ahead
I took a step back

The step I took was big
I was heading to the same old track

I stood across the dusty path and felt the last decade rushing by
I scraped and clawed but couldn'
t hold on to the time flying by

I took the bold step forward as a shudder ran through my body
I saw asking myself is it still the same, maybe, could be, will be?

I reached the rusty gate and found chains that bar me from entering
but not a soul was in sight and I was close to surrendering

But fate had other plans, he wanted me to be young again
He wanted that I should prance around, feel 16, in that hot aftenoon dusty lane

I pushed open the gates and instantly stepped into the year 2005
it was raining heavily at 7 in the morning and I was going to crash into princi who had just arrived

I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulders and I see my beloved standing by me
I am hurled back to my spot, the path lined with old silent trees

Every step I took inside I heard memories screaming out to me with joy
welcoming me back with open arms and I am bewildered - boy oh boy!

As I keep moving inside, jolting in and out of what is now - what was then
I notice a small path which led to a new unknown space and I ask myself - it was created when?

I rack my brain over a small path, an unknow destination
Could this be true, has my memory altered and have my recollections faltered

I take it to reach the old familiar territory,
a smile spreads across my face
yes! I know this, I have been here, I have walked the same very patch
the smile stays as I explore my age old base

To new eyes, this is a relic
the paint is peeling off, the doors are creaking
the uncomfortable furniture, the roofs are leaking

To the old guards, its an untouched dreamland
Untouched because, etched in our mind is a fool's paradise
A kingdom of dreams, promises and desires

The broken and soon mended hearts, the rush of exams
the crippled rules, the muddy shoes
the onset of monsoons and the hated chemsitry lab
dancing around and winning debates with your gift of gab
the first day in this school and making a friend for life
making unsaid promises, which you have kept even in times of strife

As I made my exit, I feel contended
I may/ may not have made the best of the opportunities, I did make the best of memories
The next I feel sorry for myself or feel demented
I will make a trip down the very same lane,
thinking to myself
what a wonderful world!

A month of happiness

a month of happiness,
a month of joy

a month when time flew,
a month when responsibilities grew

a month of discovering that you cant cook,
a month of believing that you have to keep trying and that you
probably should

a month when insecurities surround you,
a month when bankruptcy found you

a month when you rise before the sun does,
a month when inlwas and parents call constantly and you treat it like
a curse

a month of stained shirts, a month of bright bedsheets,
a month of pressure cooked rice and a month square chappatis

a month of friends telling you "I am out wih friends"
that they will see you the coming week,
a month of being cross with your partner because the swaad in the dal
was 'also' weak

a month of worrying, a month of building
a month of arguing, a month of rebuilding

hoping months will fly, faster than time
maybe marrying your love after all, is not such a crime

Bangalore

1. The city where cabbies will not speak a word of hindi and very little english but croon 'dil to pagal hain' with elan, drum their fingers and whistle, so you have the full orchestra going. Then there are some who like their kannada radio stations. Initially I couldnt connect but some of them do have great beats and before you know you are humming along. I end up recognising some nos by the tune. I hate to admit but it makes me feel at home.

2. The city where I learnt to ride two wheelers. I havent plucked the courage to try my hand at 4-wheelers yet. I have seen women drivers in the city and though some are real experts,I have seen too many poor ones and I would despise myself to be counted among them. I also learnt that one of the most importanat aspect of learning to drive around the city involves familiarity with all potholes. I had a near disaster the other day, I was very sure that my insides did a small jiggy dance.

3. The city where I discovered the superirioty of idli can be risen, just by the 'dip' method. Eat idli with sambhar separate is what I had experienced till then. But dunk your idli in bowl full of sambhar and voila! you will experience eureka.

4. I can just go on and on about the filter coffee. I am sure every other state in the South can boast of its richness in terms of coffee, but Bangalore is what I experienced first hand. I was not disappointed. Being a Bengali, tea pretty much runs in my vein. I am not talking Tea chamomile but true desi bhaded chaa, which found an easy replacement in the coffee here.

5. The thing that I am going to miss the most, the day I say tata to Bangalore is the Bakery culture. I have treated myself at Kayani's in Bombay, Universal in Hyderabad, Nahoum's in Calcutta but the scene here is completely different. Drop in at around 11 in the morning at any of the Iyengar's and bite into the delicious egg puffs or the 'just out of the oven' Capsicum Buns. You can feel the smile spread acorss your smug face. All very affordable, mind you.

6. Beer. and that itself brings a wide grin. I see it is pretty much treated as 'soft' drink but I am not ashamed. I am also yet to meet someone (a lady) who shares the love, but I definitely have a lot of dude friends who share the passion. I don't claim to be an afficionado but the city has added to my knowledge to the kinds and brews.

7. The city where I went out driving at 2 in the morning with friends to explore a haunted area. I have no idea why was I on the wheels. No, we luckily didnt experience anything which can be labeled occult.

8. The city which taught me hard work pays. I had always heard the phrase but to see it happen in front of your eyes is very different. It may not have paid as much as I would have wanted it to but whatever.

9. The weather! I cant believe I wrote like 8 points before this one. This most certainly is in my top 3 on why I love Bangalore. The weather is like Mallika Sharawat, hate her but you cant ignore her. Even if you are a Bangalore hater, you just cant run from the beautiful weather. You have to have some good karma on your side to have arrived here to experience it.

10. The city where I feel safe. I reserved this for the last because I felt it deserved special attention. There are very few places a single/married/working/at home women feel safe. Bangalore should be proud that it certainly gets the nod of safe city from most ladies junta here. Kudos!